Accept What’s Ahead
Why do some live while others die
Why is that fact so hard to accept
Accept that death is inevitable
Accept that my beloved is no more
More of him is what I want
More time and more love denied
Denied his touch his kiss his embrace
Denied his laughter and his smiles
Smiles that made my heart beat faster
Smiles bestowed with great generosity
Generosity of heart love freely expressed
Generosity of spirit always with a willing hand
Hand holding my hand in sweet intimate caress
Hand him over unwillingly to whatever’s next
Next year and the next and the next lived without him
Next to me still is where I want him yet to be
Be my lover my companion my friend and husband
Be my children’s devoted silly father forever
Forever is a thing that doesn’t exist in the physical plane
Forever alive is a fantasy no one gets to claim
Claim him as my own forever but death took him away
Claim what I can that I was loved long and sweet and well
Well of tears and sorrow born of a love that sustains me
Well past the time of separation on this mortal coil
Coil my heart and soul around all I hold so precious
Coil his love inside me as protection for the future
Future uncertain and gaping wide before me
Future days and years waiting for me to live through
Through the acceptance and the resistance
Through sorrows and joys and laughter and tears
Tears of grief at his life so soon ended
Tears of future joy as my saddened heart recovers
Recovers from this sudden devastating blow
Recovers the beat and pulse of a single life
Life continues on though he is now gone
Life without him, but he’s still here
Here in hearts and souls that love him
Here within his children’s very selves
Selves that would not exist without him
Selves that carry so much of his nature
Nature sees that we have means to continue
Nature ensures something can carry forward
Forward past the length of time he lived
Forward into a future as yet still unknown
Unknown joys and sorrows yet await us
Unknown peace and turbulence ahead
Ahead as behind he’s there in every step
Ahead whether the trail is level or rough
Rough
Step
A few years ago, long before I knew where our story was going it go, I wrote a poem about our love, titled, It Levels Off Up Ahead. The name came from something Jim and I said to each other repeatedly during a rather grueling 3 mile hike to Montana’s Lava Lake.
The thing is – it never did level off then, or, really, since. Even now, as I adjust to the realities of widowhood and raising our children, it hasn’t quite levelled off, because finances will be an issue at least until we know the status of Jim’s life insurance. I know it’s probably fine, as we certainly aren’t trying to defraud anyone, and that the review is simply a formality – but needing those funds makes a huge difference, as there are bills to be paid, two adult-sized and still growing hungry teens to feed, and a house in need of some rather urgent repairs. I haven’t worked outside our home for more than a decade, so that I could be available for homeschooling. Just at the point where I was considering a return to the workforce, Jim launched his business, and my initial small contributions became a full-blown partnership that left me with little time and energy for my writing or looking for another job.
And now, the kids and I need some adjustment time to settle into our new lives. I want to wait until fall, and stay with part-time work, because my ultimate goal is to be able to support our modest lifestyle from home – with writing and writing-related endeavors that make use of my skills and passions.
If the insurance doesn’t happen soon, though, I will have to re-evaluate.
The trail ahead hasn’t leveled off – and yet, I feel strangely secure, even with the concerns I’m dealing with. Why?
Because, in some sense, Jim is still here with me. When he was alive, we were never rich, but we always found a way through the lean times….and more. We managed to find and create joy even in the times when we were struggling to make those frayed and stretched ends meet.
Beautiful words.
Thank you.