Death Inside Sweetness
Life is sunlight which causes shadow
Life will always end in death
Death so often takes us unawares but
Death is a lifetime’s natural conclusion
Conclusion of the life of a family of four
Conclusion of that chapter but not the end
End only for the one who has passed on
End brings new beginnings for those who remain
Remain among the living to breath another day
Remain to carry forth the love he spoke and lived
Lived his love with action deed and affection
Lived with a purpose to spread joy and passion
Passion for flavors and for creating delicious dishes
Passion for his wife shown in so much more than kisses
Kisses bestowed generously when our children were small
Kisses shown more widely in the things he did and said
Said Will you marry me and I do and he certainly did
Said I love you often and showed it oftener still
Still hugging the son grown larger than him
Still moments broken by his joyful laughter
Laughter was what first brought us together
Laughter his own particular brand of magic
Magic that made music that lives in my soul
Magic that lingers on and brings sweetness
Sweetness that eases the pain of his loss
Sweetness that softens the bitter truth
Truth that his life is ended forever
Truth that we three must go it alone
Alone but yet not completely bereft
Alone but with a warm spirit within
Within the deepest grief hope exists
Within the coldest sorrow there is a warm glow
Glow of his sweetness and his love freely given
Glow in our lives as we share what he gave
Gave us himself for as long as he was able
Gave us a way to survive this loss with joy
Joy in the years when we were all here together
Joy in finding ways to eat dessert first
First thing our daughter did to remember him
First birthday of his when he wasn’t alive
Alive in a legacy of living life richly
Alive still in the things that matter
Matter to those whose lives his touched
Matter in the way we live life today
Today he is dead but we’re still living
Today a new chance to sprinkle the sweet
Sweet memory to dull the edges of grief
Sweet kindness to soften a hardened world
World
Grief
Although I don’t reference it as much now that my kids are teens and prefer much more privacy than they did when they were small, we live a very unconventional life, by modern American standards. We are radical unschoolers – and that fact had proven to be a wonderful asset to us all (including Jim, when he was still alive).
Why?
In part, \homeschooling allowed them a great deal of time with their dad while he was alive, and unschooling meant that both of their parents were aware of what fired the kids’ passions. It’s through their passions that they most readily engage in learning, and through them that they most easily discover other interests, branching outward, and, at the same time, becoming more refined and sophisticated as they grow.
This led to our relating with our kids not primarily through the roles of Mom and Dad, but as people. People older and generally more experienced than them – but not beyond learning from them, or seeing that they, too, are people, and not projects for us to “complete” by the time they reach the age of legal independence.
So, the kids knew Jim well – as a man, not just as their Dad. They knew his history, even the parts he wasn’t so proud of. And he knew them – well enough to bring an eight year old Lise a tool set – in a lavender bag, because she is the kind of girl who likes doing and fixing – and pretty things, too. And it wasn’t a cheap set – she still can use those tools at thirteen.
When I was a teen, I wasn’t at all sure my father loved me. My kids were filled up with Jim’s love, each in a flavor that suited them, and adds sweet memories to the bitterness of going through the rest of their lives without the big laughing man with the even bigger heart whom they called Dad.
Shan Jeniah's Lovely Chaos 