SoCS : No Time for Excuses

This post is part of Linda G.Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday meme.

The idea is simple – post an unedited stream of consciousness piece that ties into the weekly prompt –this week’s is excuse.

Since I’m now in the midst of the penultimate scene of my Star Trek: TOS/Enterprise crossover fan fiction novel-in-progress, The Earth Doth Move; this will be my last SoCS post from it…wouldn’t want to give away the ending. But this prompt gave me the perfect opening to what I knew would be a difficult scene; a conversation between Ambassador Sarek, Spock’s Vulcan father, and Amanda Grayson, his human mother, as they begin the long process of deciding whether or not to remain married to one another.

Disclaimer: Spock, his family, and all the rest of Star Trek are property of CBS/Paramount; no copyright infringement intended. I just want to play with them, and I’m careful even when I’m not logical!

Her eyes glistened with the tears she had yet to shed, and they searched his with an intimate fervor common in her people, and nearly unheard of in his. Except for T’Pol, who seemed to have learned such a great deal from her time among humans, and not to have forgotten. He thought that he could benefit from her ease with human ways, in this moment when he faced the woman who was his wife.

“Sarek, I’m sorry. I should have said it months ago, when I first came home. I never should have left you that way, and I knew it even when I was doing it. I wanted to punish you for all the things I thought that you had done – to me, and to Spock. I was cruel, and I left you when you desperately needed someone. If I hadn’t done that – well, maybe I could have offered you enough, when the crisis came, that you might not have needed Winona – or, even if you had, you might have been able or willing to let her go when the immediacy of your need passed.”

“Such conjecture is pointless, Amanda, and illogical -” Sarek was aware that he spoke in part defensively. He found that he did not want to explore her words more deeply, not in her presence. Perhaps he could be excused for that reticence; given the emotionally laden nature of the content.

“And human.” Her chin came up in a challenge; he had triggered some response in her. “No, it’s not a dirty word, Sarek – it’s who and what I am. I’m done making excuses, for me or for my son. I owe you an apology for my behavior – I made some choices that hurt you; I intended to hurt you, to punish you, and that was never my place.” She stopped, and, surprisingly, drew the three centering breaths, slowly and deeply, her eyes closing. Sarek watched her; she hadn’t released him from the request to watch her.

He thought that he had never seen anyone nearly as beautiful as she was, in this moment, when she practiced the centering practice of his people.

In the next heartbeat, he wondered if there was some inherent flaw in this, that he found her most beautiful when she was emulating his culture, rather than expressing her own.

She opened her eyes, and said, “What I won’t apologize for anymore, and won’t excuse, to you or to anyone, is being human. Certain things are human nature, just as others are Vulcan nature. I’ve almost always done my best to accept Vulcan nature, to not ask of you anything that’s against your nature. But you haven’t given me the same consideration, and you certainly haven’t given it to Spock, who has his own nature, with elements of yours, and mine – but a lot that’s his own, and not like either of ours.” She was breathing more quickly, now, and her voice trembled. “Between us, Sarek, we’ve nearly destroyed him, more than once. If not for T’Pol – if not for her…”

“I know,” Sarek said, quietly and truthfully. “I objected to her role in his life. I objected to allowing Spock to express the entirety of his nature. I am beginning to see that this is inexcusable, and -” he broke off, knowing that what he said next could bring an ending, or a new beginning. “My reasons were not logical; nor were my reasons for choosing to marry you.”

“Humans seldom marry for logical reasons, Sarek.” Her voice was gentle.

“It concerns me more that I thought them to be logical, Amanda. As I thought that my reasons for requiring Vulcan discipline of Spock, holding him to a Vulcan life, was logical. There are significant flaws in my perception, and I must take the time to consider them, before I will understand what course of action I must take, to restore balance to my life, and those I have wounded with my illogic.”

She made a small gasp – of surprise, or shock, or denial. Her eyes were wide and frightened, fixed on his face. “That was almost exactly what I was going to say to you.”

Which way will this marriage go? Will it end here, or will they find new reasons to come together, and heal? No, I’m not telling…

Enjoy stream-of consciousness writing? Anyone can play, so long as they are willing to follow a few simple rules. See you next week, for another live-streaming look into the lovely chaos in my mind! =)

Join in or read more SoCS posts here!


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