Stream of Consciousness Saturday’s Share: Being…

Welcome to Saturday’s Share -Reflections and impressions inspired by and celebrating images from daily life.

I’m trying something a little different, this week…I’m participating in Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the title for the rules….

Today’s prompt was to begin with a verb.  I chose “Being – one of my favorites, because so many people seem so interested in “Doing.”

Warning: This post may contain emotional triggers for some.

Elijah James, halfway through his life.

Being the mother of a child who died is never far from my mind. Two thriving children notwithstanding; at times like Mother’s Day, there are not enough hugs, and never enough years, to erase the indelible fact that there is another child who will never hug me, whose voice I will never hear, whom I never had the chance to know.

His life was cut off at twelve days, but whatever would have made him unique was already gone, leaving a newborn shell.

He was bigger than all the other babies in the NICU. Too big for an isolette; no need for an incubator for our full-term son. He was big and robust- and his brain was damaged beyond repair by the process of being borne from my body.

I watch his brother and sister grow, and I do what I can to fill their lives with love and joy. He would be almost eleven now, and he’d be closing in on my height. He would have, as they do, his own preferences, talents, aversions, and quirks. He might, as they do, remind me sometimes of myself, sometimes of my husband, sometimes of other family members…

And he would always be himself….

Except that he isn’t, because he’s not here. He’s been gone for many more days than he was alive-

And I still miss him. Even with all the joy and love in my life, I miss him. Who he might have been, the moments we would have had. His voice, his face that never grew old enough to smile, that spent most of those twelve days in a coma.

Tomorrow, I will revel in the love and sunshine brought by my living, loving, happy children…and, in the shadowed places of my soul, I will mourn the one who isn’t here – but always is, in my soul.

 

With Jeremiah and Annalise, September 2013.

 

What does Mother’s Day mean to you? IIs it a day you anticipate, or, like me, do you feel a hint of dread as the day approaches?  Do you have plans? Traditions? A desire to hide out for the day?  

I’d love to hear what’s on your minds -after all, Saturdays are for sharing!

8 comments

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have a few friends with angel babies – always loved, never left behind in their mommy’s hearts.
    Thanks so much for sharing, and for participating in SoCS.

    • Linda,

      Thank you. That’s exactly the way I feel about Elijah. He remains a part of me, always. Days like Mother’s Day, his birthday, death anniversary – these are more poignant times of missing him, and wishing things could have been different.

      I’m happy to be here. I’ve stepped away from SofC writing the last year or three, but playing with this meme reminded me that I love it – so much so that two of my Story A Day May stories were written that way, this week, and were maybe my favorites to write! =D

Take a chance! Type something in this box, and see what happens! =D

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.