Vulnerable Trust: #ROW80 Update, March 3,2013

Curious? Click here!

The last few days have been vulnerable ones, for me I’m learning, deepening, and awakening to new ideas, new ways of being. I’m stretching toward my dreams, and, at the same time, needing lots of time to just be where I am, and absorb…

Have you ever felt this way?

I’m in a slack tide…some energy shifting outward, some still inwardly directed. I am a held breath.

Broken open, hesitantly poised at the edge of something so long yearned for, but which, as it begins to unfurl, is as vast as the Grand Canyon under a moonless, star-filled Arizona sky.

I feel it into my soul, echoing through my mind – the resonance of knowing that these dreams are not only possible, but attainable.

Have you ever neared that possibility, and you can at last see just how you can get from here to there – the place you’ve dreamed of, longed for? How do you feel, when it happens, for you?

I’ll admit it. I’m a little terrified.

Taking the next steps means shifting from what I have been, how I have lived. It means owning things about myself in new ways, proclaiming who I am, what I want, what I am willing to do to get there.

Becoming…Photo courtesy WANA Commons.

And, then – it means doing it.

What is it that has me quaking, wanting to crawl into a cocoon and pretend that it’s still just fantasy, a not an schievable goal..?

I’m hearing the voices again.

You might know them. They say it’s impractical, a pipe dream, that I am too ditzy or unmotivated – or too something – to ever do this.

They are the “who the hell do you think you are” voices, and they come with faces, attitudes, energies, and experiences I’ve known my whole life.

Who the hell DO I think I am, anyway?

Well…

I am myself. I have a passion for life, connection, and communication. I adore words, ideas, and imagery. I feel emotional energy in the same way I feel the shifting of the winds.

I am the only one of me there is. No one else has had just my set of experiences; no one else has felt and thought in just this way.

No one else will share their life just in the way that I do.

I think there is value in that – in each of us sharing our story in our way, giving it to others to do with as they will.

I’m feeling vulnerable. I am the early bud; I am the chick who no longer fits within a once comfortable shell.

If I remain curled into this cocoon, this casing, this shell – I cannot survive.

Emergence…Photo courtesy WANA Commons.

It’s time.

Time to thrust outward – to break the silky threads, force the outer leaves open, tap cracks into that shell and push outward.

Time to trust in metamorphosis.

I’m at the beginning, atremble, beset with ‘what-ifs’. Naked, bereft of the protections of the comfortable spaces I had occupied – I know too much, now, for them to be anything other than restrictive.

I have to change, grow, evolve…

I can’t be as I was, and so I become something new, something bigger and deeper, something truer to these dreams that are becoming my reality.

What will I be, on the other side? Hard to say, exactly, since I am not even sure where the other side is….

But I will find it.

And live it.

Who or what has challenged you to grow and change, else wither and stagnate? I love comments, and reading your stories!

Dreams and beauty beyond the shell…Photo courtesy WANA Commons.

 ROW80: 

(My biweekly evaluation is pending until later Sunday, March 3, and will be posted here, when complete.)

 #WANA113 – My BIG ONE:

  • I completed and posted my Word Cloud Grokking.
  • I connected with all class members.
  • I read Lessons Four and Five.
  • I scanned the next two assignments.

Targets:

  • Read/comment on five word clouds by Wednesday, March 6.
  • Begin Grokking #3.

Sponsor Visits:

Reading: (slowing down some as I move into slack tide,and am writing more.)

Blogging:

  • New weekly feature, Friday Frolic. The inaugural post was a video tribute to Davy Jones, on the anniversary of his death. It will be a place for lighter fare to start off the weekends.
  • I spent some time with my blogging action plan, setting some things down.

Target:

  • Rough draft complete by March 15.

Writing:

  • Submitted “The Last House” to a literary journal – a personal, scary first.
  • A Splash of Red” – revising for deep POV. Will be a guest post submission.
  • Completed QUOMIS rough draft! Next,editing!
  • 750 Words – Exposition and Blogging from A to Z rough posts D and E (C was done as one of the exercises above.)

Targets: 

  • Submit “A Splash of Red” by March 10.
  • Compile QUOMIS. Revise 2 poems by March 6.

Beta-reading:

  • Blow Me a Candy Kiss”- will comment and return by Wednesday, March 6.

The children and I visited friends with newborn kittens on Friday, to fulfill a dream for Annalise. Saturday, I took Jeremiah to the store for half-birthday treats, and today (Sunday), the kids and I are going to the bookstore to meet Elizabeth Anne  Mitchell.

That makes a happy but busy weekend for me, and I will be happy to go nowhere tomorrow!

It’s a BLOG HOP!

Am I ready to take flight? Photo courtesy WANA Commons.

8 comments

  1. Oddly enough, it’s unsettling to hear you say you were/are afraid of freeing yourself. You always seem so much more comfortable with letting yourself shine–even if I know you have fears in other areas. I guess we all feel that way at times–it’s just a bit unnerving to see someone who has inspired personal bravery talking of personal fear…

    It makes the already long journey seem all that much harder. But eventually… we will get there.

    • Sys,

      I’m learning to be comfortable. Mostly, it’s because all those decades of huddling in and making myself small so that I didn’t offend the people in my life. Habits can be hard to shake, especially when there is an element of survival involved.

      To me, this feels like standing on a precipice, preparing to jump, and I don’t think I have to tell you how I feel about leaping…

      Maybe bravery really is being terrified of taking the leap, and still jumping, anyway, hurtling into thin air, because to stay still would be to wither and stagnate.

      I don’t know if everyone feels this way. Maybe those who thrive on adrenaline love this kind of leap….me, I’m largely a creature of comfortable spaces.

      I’m hoping that being unsettled may help you find more inspiration in the very best place of all – yourself (because you have been inspiring ME to be braver since we were very little girls, indeed!).

      • I’ve always heard that bravery comes out of being able to admit one’s fears and still do the things that one fears as necessary.

        And yes… while things sometimes are unsettling, it’s often that “motion” of being disturbed that propels one to do new things.

        Don’t fear that precipice–you not only have a great parachute, there are also trampolines at the bottom. 😀

        • Sys,

          I think admitting our fears to ourselves can be the hardest thing of all.It is an act of bravery to move forward despite them…but sometimes, maybe, it’s a greater bravery to allow oneself to stop and truly feel the fear, until we can understand what it is and where it springs from…

          I feel that disturbance and momentum may be intricately linked. Often, it is growth and motion in one or more of us, here, that leads to disturbance. As we all become more self-aware, sometimes the flow of life stops working for someone…stopped up like a beaver dam.

          So, sometimes growth and motion cause disturbance and turbulence….and then that tumult leads to new growth…

          It’s as much apart of the cycle, and as necessary, as the sweet times. Balance, imbalance, light, shadow, highs, lows….

          All natural, and all valid and valuable. =)

  2. I am always nervous when I am on the cusp. In younger years, it was the transition from elementary to high school, or high school to college. Later, it was impending marriage or motherhood that made me quake.

    I don’t yet see the path to where I want to be, but I am in the fullness of the “who do I think I am?” Recently, I am seriously doubting my writing abilities. I know some of it is my infernal interior critic, but some of it is fear. I know what I can write, but to step into the unknown has me rattled.

    I’m looking forward to meeting all of you at the bookstore, in just a little while! 🙂

    • Elizabeth –

      What a nice surprise, to come home to this comment. I hope we livened up your afternoon, and that your head isn’t spinning too much. Here, we’ve got The Simpsons, and a floor filled with Monster High fashions…

      I’m learning to face those fears with little steps. It’s almost like I’m tricking myself, as though I just will go this little bit beyond where I feel safe, and then stop…but then I take one more step, and one more…

      When I see where I was a year ago, I marvel. It’s hard to believe, now, that three years ago, I was not writing close to everyday.

      I think you should give that internal editor her severance check! =)

      Thank you for stopping by, and for a lovely visit!

Take a chance! Type something in this box, and see what happens! =D

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.