For anyone who knows me at all well, this won’t be very surprising. For those who’ve read at my blogs for the last several years, the following excerpt will perhaps be familiar, as it was first published at The Unfettered Life.
~~ At 13, I discovered Star Trek. Well, really, I discovered Spock. Fell in love with him, with the idea of a character so complex and conflicted, who was also brilliant, fierce, logical, and capable of huge deviations from that logic. And who was still somehow whole. I had to learn all I could about him, then write more stories for him…I’ve been doing that ever since.
Spock gave me an anchor, and a direction. That type of calm was unknown in my life, before him. I know he’s a fictional character, but he was believable in both his Vulcanity and his humanity. He gave me hope that there could be calm and peace in my life, too, no matter that I was sometimes furious.
For the outcast teen I was, so different in so many ways from my peers, he was a friend, a confidant, and a guide to lead me into the type of adult world that didn’t interest my parents.
Now, at the age of 40, I hear a familiar, calming voice on a BMW ad, and it leads me to ponder where I might be now if I’d never heard that voice, never known that character who brought so much solace to difficult years in my life, and has remained to intrigue and inspire me further…
Someday, neither Leonard Nimoy or I will be alive anymore. I am grateful that at least part of our living overlapped, so I could have a voice in my life that led me to places and thoughts I might not have known, else…
Wherever you are, on this last night of 2009, Leonard, I quietly lift a hand in salute, and say, simply, “Live long, and prosper.” ~~
And, because I love Spock so much, I wrote about him again, here at shanjeniah, this time…
I had seen him around a few times, ever since I was maybe 7 or so, and I knew his voice, in other contexts. He was like a neighbor whose face, car, and house I recognized, but about whom I knew nothing of consequence.
Except that that voice could draw me from anywhere, when I heard it, and it spoke things I couldn’t yet understand to my wounded soul.
Until I was 13, and my best friend, after much attempted persuasion, pressed a book into my hand and said, “Just read the first story, before you refuse to read more.” I had a long tradition of fiercely resisting things she was certain I would enjoy.
I read it, and I was hooked. Deeply and passionately in love with with a fictional half-Vulcan who managed, even with his brain severed from his body, to solve the problem of (however improbably), getting it back where it belonged.
I have never gotten over that passion. I love Spock, and I always will.
The relationship, however one-sided it may be, has grown with me, and the teenage lust has given way to a deep and abiding – well, I guess the appropriate word would be fascination.
Because of Spock, I learned that I could be smart and still be fallible. I could have integrity of self. I could live according to my internal compass rather than rely on external factors to define my life for me. I learned that I could sacrifice myself for the greater good – and that I could hope that, on occasion, others might think my well-being was the greater good, even when logic didn’t agree.
I learned that one can be stronger, but does not need to use their strength to bully or force others. I began to see that sometimes there is a gift in silence, and in the subtle shifts of expression.
It was from Spock that I first learned that there was a possibility of mastering my emotions, or at least of not being so utterly ruled by them as everyone around me seemed to be. In time, I became able to step back within myself, breathe, and attend to my feeling more of the time, allowing me to take necessary or desired action with less reactivity, at least most of the time.
I learned that while there are things worth killing and dying for, and a time when only force can act as defense, striving for understanding and compassion generally avoids coming to such dire straits.
I learned that passion is uncontrollable, sometimes, and must simply be given in to, and allowed to run its natural course.
I learned that there are always possibilities, and most of the trick in seeing them is recognizing that fact.
I cut my writing teeth on Spock, creating terrible plots and merrily defiling characters, logic, and even possibility, all in an erotic quest for my Vulcan, and largely conducted in high school classrooms, or on the bed in my unhappily shared bedroom – a vital escape that kept my mind from stultifying, and disengaged me from at least some potential sibling conflict.
I know that fan fiction is frowned upon in serious circles –
And yet I know that a rich and vital world has sprung up in my life over the nearly 3 decades I have shared with Spock, and I know that, without him, I would not have this remarkable world for my subconscious to play in.
I would not be leading the life that I am, because Spock showed me the way to courage. I would not have the husband I have, because it was Spock who first showed me how to risk taking a flying leap off the deep end of logic, when that was needed.
I would not write as well as I do, for it was in reading back and seeing how badly I had corrupted the character I love more than any other, that I began to learn to never force my stories to comply to my ideas, but rather to be a faithful observer and narrator of those stories, without interfering in them.
There are always possibilities.
And, with Spock tucked firmly and logically into my soul, I will continue to find them, and live them.~~
Even with all of this, I am sure I’m nowhere near finished writing about Spock – factually, or fictionally.
Today, though, I just want to pay quite logical Thankvember tribute to a truly fascinating character, who has become something far more – and not only in my life.
- Challenges – Thankvember Twenty-Seventh (shanjeniah.com)
- Sight – Thankvember Eighth (shanjeniah.com)
- Self -Awareness – Thankvember Twenty-Sixth (shanjeniah.com)
- Joyous Busyness – Thankvember NaNoROW, 11/28/12 (shanjeniah.com)
- So It Goes – Thankvember NaNoROW, 11/25/12 (shanjeniah.com)
- Leonard Nimoy – “Mr. Spock” Turns 80 (beanstalk-inc.com)
- Simplicity – Thankvember Twenty-Fourth (shanjeniah.com)
- Gratitude – Thankvember Twenty-Second (shanjeniah.com)
- Is Zachary Quinto Done With Spock after STAR TREK 2? (geektyrant.com)